Bundle of nerves

So I haven't updated in a while. I plan to update this more when I am in Amherst, which by the way will be Sunday. I leave Friday to Boston and then soon enough I'll be there at my new school.

I've been hit the last week or so with all these goodbyes. Its heavy. I'm going to miss everyone so much. Today I said goodbye to the people at the hc.

I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I kind of want to be there already, settled in. I hate moving. I also want to know about my roommate situation.

I heard great news from Jenny. Tomorrow will confirm it.

I'm sort of too heavy right now to keep typing. I'm also a bit sleepy. I'll update later.

My life according to Coldplay

Here is something fun to do. Pick a musical artist, (not mine) and answer these questions with song titles.

Artist(s):
Coldplay

Are you male or female?
X&Y (lol)

Describe Yourself:
Easy to Please

How do you feel:
A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Describe where you currently live:
In My Place

What is one wish you could make if you had a genie:
Sparks

Biggest turn off:
Clocks (lol)

What is your type:
Life in Technicolor

Your best friends are:
Postcards from Far Away

What is life to you:
Death will not conquer us

Your fear:
We Never Change (Swallowed in the Sea lol)

What is the best advice you have to give:
Don't Panic

How I would like to die:
Now my feet won't touch the ground

My Motto:
Everything's not lost

I'm trapped in this body and can't get out

So I've fixed my sleep schedule. I now wake up at the latest 7:30 AM. Today I woke up at 6:00 AM! I couldn't believe it. I've been going to sleep at 10:00 AM lately. Either way, before I was a night dweller and now I'm a morning dweller. You can't escape something.

How'd I do it, one might guess. Well I didn't sleep at all on Sunday. But that comes at a price too, every day I nap about two hours, well I did on Tuesday and today at any rate. I figure if I nap two hours every day I can make up for that sleep lost. Its working well so far.

And my dreams during those naps have been so... vivid. Two of them were lucid. One I was looking into a mirror, and I saw myself fragmented and strange. I read online, one way of becoming lucid is looking into a mirror. Often in the dream world, mirrors show strange things. Supposedly its risky too, because what you see can scare you into a nightmare. I wasn't scared I realize. for some reason. The oddest things happen in dreams and usually I am just really interested. I felt looking into the mirror that I was waking, because when I realized it was a dream it started to fall apart. It was so.. indescribable to be in that moment in between dreams and waking. I've never become lucid in that matter. Today I became lucid breathing through my nose while pinched. I've done it once before, but this time I tried flying. My body began to float in the air and the more I tried to rise higher in the room, the heavier I felt. I began to wake again until finally I woke. I have been remembering my dreams more often since the dream journal, which I've gotten lazy about lately, but I was starting to lose faith about becoming lucid again after I had a dream that tried to drown me awake. Its refreshing to be lucid again, I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Going away is approaching soon too. I've been thinking about it.

Dark

My days have been dark. In a literal sense. I stay up all night. I used to do this last summer. But I think I'm just being ridiculous now. Starting Monday the latest, I am waking up at a decent hour. I'll decide what that hour will be as the days progress. Maybe 10.

The again maybe I'll be up earlier than that. I do want to start writing on some schedule, it will help to get work done and it would be beneficial overall to at least section off at least two hours a day for writing.

Well I feel like I have a lot more to say without the volition to type it. I'll get back to this later.

Enchanted

http://puddlegum.net/radiohead-1010101010/

For some reference to what I am talking about, read that article.

Oh God. I am listening to this playlist. Its totally amazing. I have not felt this charmed by music in a long while. Radiohead is indescribable. If you haven't heard their music, do it right now.

My two favorite albums are OK Computer and In Rainbows, who knew they were a pair? Its like they had a kid. I don't know what to call this, someone called it In Computer-OK Rainbows. That sounds good to me.

I feel if I say anything else it will diminish the beauty here. I advise everyone to make the playlist as the website explains, with ten second crossfades between songs. Ask me how to do this if you can't figure it out, and if you don't have those two albums, d/l it or ask me. =)

Nerve

So I couldn't get adequate rest last night. I was reading Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez when a particular line reminded me of this interview of Hubert Selby Jr. about Requiem for a Dream. I remembered that Jenny had bought the movie for me so I looked for it, found it, went to the special features, and found that what I was looking for was in the director's cut.

No problem right? We live in the age of the internet. Everything is on this thing.

I was looking for it for at least a half hour. Nothing. I couldn't find it anywhere. It still bugs me, I really wanted to hear him say this particular opening line when the interviewer asked him a question. I remember it impacted me.

It strange what things impact us. Something like that suddenly flooded my memory while reading, and all things considered the two things are unrelated.

I had to wake up early too. I'm probably not going to sleep very late tonight, I slept so poorly last night.

I've been reading more poetry lately. I'm in a writing mood too. I want to work on a few things and submit them to this magazine. It has to be previously unpublished, so I'll submit either new work or start something new. Imagine if I get published. I think I'll just die. I'm not counting on it, and not because I think little of my abilities, (I'm actually quite proud of my level of work lately, and my growth over the years) but I still have much to learn and I know how these things work. I'm just excited to have the nerve of even considering such a thing. =)

Floating on a tidal wave

I neglect this far too often. I've just been so distracted with really nothing that I haven't posted. I keep a dream journal regularly now. Perhaps I can only have one love, the journal or the blog.

Nah, its not mutually exclusive. Lol. I'll probably update this all the time when I'm in Amherst. All my friends in the northeast do it so maybe its a New England thing.

I still think of her sometimes. Fondly though. Usually. Sometimes with a hint of somberness. Its strange I think how I responded so....well and healthy to how we ended. I think if it were me a year ago I would have probably...well I don't know what I would have done. But it would have crippled me surely. Its not that I'm less emotional now, on the contrary I probably revel in even more emotional and contemplative interactions. My responses have changed. And really that makes all the difference. We can't help the way we feel after all.

How is our friendship? Well its nearly non existent now. Why is that? Well I stopped calling her after I saw her trying to move on. She has every right to happiness and to be free of me for one, and I think its best right now if her and I spent time apart. I still think of her fondly. She plays a role in my dreams too, directly or indirectly. I'm realizing that now that I remember them so vividly, and I write them down. Keeping a journal actually increases memory. I remembered six or seven dreams the other morning. That's ridiculous! The most I had remembered before was about three or four. Anyways I think I'll contact her before I go if she hasn't contacted me, tell her I'd still love to be her friend. I hope we can be friends, I really do like her as a person.

Sometimes people fall for each other at the wrong time. Life is bittersweet like that. I don't hold any grudges. I just want to feel and participate in the world, be vividly part of it.

I've been listening to Coldplay for the last six days. I'm just in a Coldplay mood. X&Y is my favorite album =)

I'll try to do this more often. I really do like it.

One nail removes the other

I haven't updated in awhile. Pure laziness. I've been distracted, I've averaged two movies daily lol. I'll probably watch Dazed and Confused tonight and the Godfather.

Things didn't get better, but they are less complicated.

The lesson of the seasons is harsh, but spring comes again.

I'm still writing. I'm still part of the world.

And I'm not upset.

Things...are alright =)

Dreams

I haven't updated this in awhile, but I'm proud to say I haven't been neglecting my writing. I've been working on some pieces.

I'm in something. Something I can't quite classify. I know I keep asserting that classification is overrated, that it only serves to separate us...why do I long for it then?

My desires are simple and long, but their fulfillment is complicated.

Whatever peace I have found during the day in the form of distractions is defeated when I sleep, I dream of her constantly. I must be crazy, and I've already admitted to it. I think because I went into this so open and natural with her, which is unprecedented, my dreams no longer wrap themselves in riddle but blatantly open myself to her. I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me feels strange, because its never happened. Part of me is happy. But another part of me shows that perhaps there is no escape, as if my dreams are a black hole. Can I compress myself to the size of a single atom? Won't that crush me? I'm thinking too deeply in metaphors. Overall I am amused by her appearance in dreams.

I've been trying to lucid dream lately. But when I become aware that its a dream, I don't try and manipulate it if she is there. If I lose control then she'll vanish. And in the dream world, she feels so real. I couldn't bare even a false disappearance. But overall I've been at it lately. Remembering dreams, I want to start a dream journal too. I had one before but I stopped. Dreams have always maintained my interest, ever since childhood.

I may update less frequently because of my writing project. But its always nice after writing some to unwind and just write an entry. So maybe Ill update more often? We'll see.

Rediscovery

I'm not going to write a long entry right now, I want to sit with this and just absorb it. I think I'll write something tonight.

We spoke today. All the gloom of previous entries now seem like a vague memory. Not to say that things have become..well romantically progressive? What does that even mean anyways? I hate assigning all this a name. All I know is that its just so lovely to be around her, and knowing that we can continue to simply be..you know? I almost said be ourselves, but I don't know what that means either lol. We just are. And I'm ridiculously happy about that.

She is a revolution of the mind, a rediscovery. I feel like the stupor I've been in has evaporated. I'm listening to old songs and they've recovered their magic.

Stairs

Well things are getting better. I guess the benefit of tumbling down the stairs comes when you finally hit the floor, shake off the sense of shock, and begin the work of ascending again.

Its tough, but all one can do is look up.

I saw Waking Life again today. It got bumped up to basically my favorite movie. So much on my mind.

But I'm well. I'm better than I've been in days. There is something to be said of that. =)

Caught

I just feel like I'm caught between so many things. I feel like being here at school, and leaving. I feel like sleeping, but I want to stay awake. I'm hungry but I don't feel much like eating. I'm happy to go, and I'm devastated. The only non polar desire I have is to see her.

I've already been rained on twice today. Normally I'd enjoy the feeling of light rain pouring. I feel sort of mocked now, partly filled with gloom. Does it rain on her too?

And time. I know I've discussed it before. But time. I've never felt the passing of time so slowly, as if every second realized it was transitory and decided to fully express itself.

Reminds me of a Linda Pastan poem, how I've been feeling lately. I read it when I was happy and felt this deep sense of grief. Its almost laughable that it captures how I feel now.

Letter


It is December in the garden,
an early winter here, with snow
already hiding my worst offenses –
the places I disturbed your moss
with my heavy boots; the corner
where I planted in too deep a hole
the now stricken hawthorne: crystals
hanging from its icy branches
are the only flowers it will know.

When did solitude become
mere loneliness and the sounds
of birds at the feeder seem
not like a calibrated music
but the discordant dialects
of strangers simply flying through?
I have tried to construct a life
alone here – coffee at dawn; a jog
through the chilling air

counting my heartbeats,
as if the doctor were my only muse;
books and bread and firewood –
those usual stepping-stones from month
to freezing month. But the constricted light,
the year closing down on itself with all
the vacancies of January ahead, leave me
unreconciled even to beauty.
When will you be coming back?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws...

We spoke briefly over chat. Very formal. Very cut. Measured and delivered like one would carry a spoon of sugar to a cup of bitter tea.

She signed off abruptly too. I know she doesn't have Internet herself so she was probably at the library, she is at school today after all. I'm not sure if signing off abruptly was intentional, it could have been the school, maybe she had to go, or wanted to. I'm typically left with more questions than answers.

Sleep was interrupted, I kept waking up and I'm not sure why. The few intervals of sleep were not bad though. I have the benefit of forgetting my dream last night, although I do remember this song called "I'll be" by Edwin McCain playing.

The day has been too short I suppose to paint. Though I think I have had enough of it. Time seems more of a chore lately, like walking through a wall of wind. The irony is I'm not moving much.

Now I know I am crazy. She just signed back on, telling me the campus Internet was acting up. She had to leave though because class was starting. I know her schedule fairly well, Monday and Wednesdays are hectic. (I had actually intended on surprising her by showing up for lunch or something but time would not allow it.) Either way, she said talk to you soon.

I am crazy! Talk to me soon?! That beats the hell out of NTTYA (Never Talk To You Again) lol, oh lord. Even if its this tea spoon-sugar-tea talk, its something! Its not an attempt to shut me out of her life!

Still. I won't get too excited either. Its also very possible that she has completely digested me out of her system. Perhaps I am the only fool who dwells on things. Perhaps she has dropped me like a pair of undergarments before showering, to wash herself of me with new experiences. I don't know.

Not only am I crazy, but I'm simple. Something like this will delight me all day. I know something now. Either she wants to at least continue as a friend, or she is still thinking. Either way, its not removing me from her life. I don't know what that implies. But at the state I have been the last few days, this is definitely an upward motion.

I feel a little lighter. I think I'll eat something today. See some friends. Play scrabble. I dunno. I do feel a little animated.

Lets see if this feeling lasts. This pair of jeans are suddenly not so stiff.

Moving

I wish I could say the work of moving to another place, (a much smaller place, I'll add) distracted me from my thoughts. It didn't, however. Despite my best efforts and those of my friends, (who graciously helped me move, and I thank them) I remain swimming in my thoughts and memories. I leave to another place yet my body feels void of all fluid and movement, tuneless and vapid.

It feels like the sensations of the world are threads that lead me to memories of her. The most unlikely things too. For instance, my sister commented on a hole she found on an article of clothing, wondering aloud if she knew anyone who could fix it. Suddenly I'm flooded with the first evening I saw her sing, and a comment her friend made on how she is the type to alter clothing. Its clear that she can alter much more..

I have this dream that keeps sneaking up on me, sometimes in my waking life. In the dream I am seated looking up at her eyes as she stares down. In my waking life its me over her, staring down as she smiles up at me. I remember kissing her forehead.

I've learned to fast it seems. I go throughout the day without eating, as if sadness alone nourishes me. I may have to learn other things soon too. Reminds me of that song they play at the end of the phantom of the opera movie during the credits.

Sometimes I wonder if she reads it, though I imagine she doesn't. I'm caught between wanting her to and not wanting her to. Mainly because she shouldn't see me as such a wreck. I really wouldn't want to trouble her with all this.

Still, I have hope. I wear it like a new pair of jeans, heavy and rigid to walk in. Perhaps a time will come when I'll be able to walk freely again. When I will be able see her eyes smile when I tell her she persists as the inner soundtrack to my heart.

Hope

Hope has made me heavier. Despite my loss of interest in food, sleep, or any of the vices I usually enjoy, I feel much heavier as of late. One picks up hope after losing everything. I've just forgotten how heavy hope can be.

Today is a particularly somber day. I had asked her last weekend to spend time with me today after her photo shoot. She agreed. I actually planned something quite elaborate. It was meant to be a surprise so its not like she knows how much she has disappointed me with a single action. I would gladly forfeit today if she just called me. If I could hear her voice just saying hello, that she is fine.

Dreams don't help either. They are just a collection of symbols that all lead to one thought, one direction. Music is completely compromised. In my dream I heard Paul singing Yesterday, only the lyrics changed a bit. I can't remember them but they made me feel like crying. Perhaps dreams are nothing but a bombardment of feelings and emotions we give symbols and meanings to later when we wake. That fraction of a second between sleep and waking, where we assign the truth to the world of dreams.

I really shouldn't be this...morose? I mean, I really don't know what will happen. Time will tell. I'm hoping that she'll realize what I have. But being rational doesn't prevent me from this one and consuming fear. That she won't want to talk to me again, won't see me. That the other day was really a good bye in the most serious sense. If that is true..I really can't even entertain the idea. If I would have known...When I saw her there, perhaps not as ruined as me but broken in some way, I would have kissed her.

My thoughts and feelings really do surpass the realm of words, but I have written none the less. I have been working on poetry, which I guess is a good thing. Therapy? Not really. In fact, all my poems sing to her, in a language I almost don't understand.

I feel silly. Its only really been two days. I suppose sentiment truly has no concept of time. I'm caught up between the desire for it to go by quicker or slower, whichever brings her back to me. Time right now is simply the medium of my inactivity.

Really. I am ridiculous. I'm not sure if she is thinking of me or already starting the work of forgetting. Maybe both. I just don't want..to be forgettable.

As heavy as I am, and as depressing as this all seems, (and there is a hint of that, no doubt) I still have hope. I still have hope.

I still have...

Response

Having said everything before...Still.

The last thing to go is hope no?

I won't go down that easily. And no, I don't mean I'm going to pester and bother and annoy until things work. That's definitely not what I mean. I'm going to be genuine, and real, as I have been throughout this whole thing. Call me Romantic, but I believe that is the way to go.

In the end, I know the feelings are there. But fear is among them, fear of getting hurt. And I know all too well the consequence of fear when it comes to these things. I know I have neglected possible relationships because of my own brand of fear. I understand what she is going through.

I only hope that fear does not define the future.

I'll do my best to endure and thrive. I've never come out of a blow that hard like this, but I think she is worth it. I think I am worth it.

Intensity

I feel like I have neglected this for a time. So much has happened since this, so much so that I almost feel like the self of even yesterday is unfamiliar.

I can't describe my emotions. I felt this deepness, this bliss that I have not known for years, if ever. This intensity, this passion...I shudder to classify it. I've been totally open, and I've listened, I've grown...

Never in my whole life have I been so honest with my emotions, with my intentions. Never have I acted like suffering in life is something far, distant. At first I hesitated. Is beauty, is feeling, is passion available...to me? For once I decided that the answer didn't matter. What mattered was the attempt, the seeking, the grasping...

And I felt this peace, this lovely sensibility, this joy...

And the way events were transpiring, I felt I was only closer to more, as if I was reaching for something and I would feel it.

Water she truly is. She is slipping from me, and I am drowning..

Oh I can be so dramatic. I know it. I see myself write this and I know it. But I feel it.

I've always been proud of my achievements. But I feel now as if they are meaningless. Forgettable. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel like the very force which kept me afloat is pushing me down. I feel like crying. The rain was almost too appropriate.

Then I start to wonder, now, broken as I am, I suppose thoughts such as these will pass through me. Why? I began listening to music I knew was going to end, but the beauty of the sound so captured me that I couldn't leave it if I wanted to. The suffering from the absence of the sound is much worse than the suffering caused by its end.

If you knew that, if you knew coming into this it would someday be difficult, and now you decide to end this...Then I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to judge the cruelty of that action. But if you knew, and it didn't bother you before, why does it now? What sweet word, what music, what action, what will make you understand and go back?

Is it indeed true that the candle burns brightest before it goes out? It was just last night that I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by it all. And not even a day later I fall apart, miserably, and totally.

I kept jokingly telling myself all the things in my life were too good to be true. I said I'd probably get sick, or hit by a car. At this point, I'd rather the latter.

I felt I was ready. I felt that despite the agony of leaving, I felt that I could have gone on. I'm filled now with uncertainty. Uncertainty.

Emptiness.

I don't even want to talk about it. I don't want to. I'm just a child.

Lat night I felt the pain and pleasure of writing, I was up late working on poetry. I suppose now in the state I'm in, poetry will bleed from me the way sap does from a tree, and encase me in a chrysalis of fear, insecurity, agony, defeat, loneliness, grief...

The Lesson of the Seasons

Enjoy the flower, although it will wither.
Enjoy the leaf, although it will brown.
Enjoy the snow, although it will melt.
Enjoy the sun, although it will set.

Ideas like these flood my mind when I think I will have to leave the music that has softly played to my heart. I want to grasp it firmly, but like water it slips from my fingers. Isn't there beauty too to the water that we slip so easily into but slips from us just as easily? In a substance that mainly composes our bodies, that replenishes and fills...yet we can't hold on to it.

I think water would describe her perfectly. Water too is musical, sound is amplified through water. Perhaps a record player swallowed by the sea. Both music and water overcome one wholly, completely. I do create metaphor often with music and with water.

Certain things sing to us. Poetry for instance sings to me.

She too, sings to me. I'm listening to a song unfamiliar, yet one I've always known. Like a mother's lullaby forgotten with age and yet one feels so vividly.

Then I wonder if all this season stuff is just clever justification so I can continue...

I don't think so. But even if it is, whatever works for me to feel her more, in a real sense.

Otherness.

I love it. We're playing these games now that bring us closer. I love courtship, I think its a lost art that needs to be recovered by our generation.

This week should be interesting! Watch Frost/Nixon. Its a great film.

Waiting and longing

So I got waitlisted from Davidson and Reed. Lol, schools don't have it in them to reject me or accept me. I'm still flattered that they are still considering me.

I think I'm almost certain I'll go to Amherst. Really depends on financial aid. I'll hear from them soon.

I only have to hear from Brown now.

I've spent most of the week with Jenny and Dan. Its nice to see them regularly. =)

I've also got music on my mind. I long to listen longer, perhaps meet it at the source...

I'll update this week, I miss my dade friends.

Gap

I can't get that The Kooks song out of my head, Gap. It's catchy as hell. Listen to it.

I was pretty depressed yesterday, but today I'm in a great mood. Spent the morning with someone special ;), had a great Eastern Philosophy class..

And I got accepted to Amherst! 

I couldn't believe it, I still don't believe it. I got notified by phone call. Until I get the letter its not real lol.

Oh well I'm in a fantastic mood. I'll update later. 

When it rains..

This morning I discovered I was denied from Vassar. I didn't feel bad about it really. I also had a nice day with Jenny, Dan, and Zenen. I also visited Mr. Jones at Coral Park. He's a cool guy.

I am disheartened to learn that New College won't be able to accept me. I was wait listed initially but I received an email from someone in the school I know and I wasn't granted admission. Its strange how New College was at first a back up school but after I visited and researched it I really grew to like it. I'm actually more affected by this rejection than I thought. I guess I took for granted my spot there. I'm not sure. 

Otherwise I'm in a good mood. But the backdrop is a bit gloomy. 

Maybe I'll update later. 

Diploma and Rejection

I've discovered that if it were possible to void my current high school diploma, I could get a new one in a few hours. There is an option of a take home set of worksheets that will grant you a diploma. Not a GED, not a certificate, a genuine diploma. Seems to make the question as to why the United States is behind in education internationally.

I'll give an example of the type of questions they would ask you on this sheet. Mind you its two to three pages at most.

36+ -36= __

The answer will surprise you.

Its zero.

_____ is exploring new areas outside the solar system. (Voyager or The Moon)

I was surprised to discover that the moon has actually remained in a generally fixed location in space since the dawn of human history.

Besides that I got my first rejection letter from college. Columbia denied me. I'm not even surprised about how little that bothers me. I really prefer many of the other schools I applied to. I should be hearing from the others soon.

Jenny returned. Its going to be fun with her around again :)

Music follows me, making me think of her. Its infectious really.

I'm excited for Tuesday. I'll see some friends, have a cool class...

I feel strange. Something about the passing of time feeling slower when I wait. I hope the summer won't be too short. It suddenly shrunk beyond imagining.

But I'm in a ridiculously good mood.

Kicking sand on her feet

Well today was interesting.

This morning I had to practice my sign language skills because I was communicating with a deaf woman. I'm surprised I could get by after about five years. That's reassuring considering I want to learn a few more languages.

I also spent most of my day at the beach for Mike's surprise birthday. I really thought it wasn't going to be a surprise for him, but I think it genuinely was. That's uplifting in a strange way, its nice. We drank some from a glass boot Nikki got for Mike. I also chatted with Fernando for a long while, he's a really cool kid. Gotta see Waking Life with that bunch again.

I also took my own private roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts today. It was interesting to say the least. I'm also glad it ended well. Lol remarkably vague, but get used to it!

I feel speechless and chatty all at once. Kind of like my terrified awe of the water. I felt a bit stronger though when she took my hand. I'm such a sucker for the most ridiculous things lol.

Jenny is coming tonight!

Even with thoughts of Jenny returning, I'm still numb to many of the events transpiring around me. Not to mention my backdrop of worries concerning school.

I'm happy though I've been progressing. I've been acting without thinking to death every action.

It sounds silly but that's a big step for me! And its working!

I'll get back to this later. I'm still strangely charmed.

Artificial Boundaries

Yeah so I've been pondering about dreams. I had a strange one last night, Davidson rejected me for ridiculous reasons and I took an odd roller coaster train to Japan in the sky. I also got my housing form from Amherst. All of it made wonderful sense until I woke up. I realize that even in my waking life I revel in the ridiculous. I love the absurd. Probably why Existentialism is so attractive to me, assigning any meaning to life seems trivial when reality is absurd.

When I really think about it, what difference is there between my past and my dreams? One might be tempted to say the collective agreement on the state of affairs but that far reaching at best. How many times do you agree with someones, or someone agrees with your exact account of events? Hardly ever. And there are always private memories that no one but you can confirm. What then of memories? Are they just waking dreams? Waking dreams that sometimes have other participants? When I think back to my life even five years ago, it seems incomprehensible and vague. Yet we spend so much time saying we are a product of something we can barely concretely remember. What use are these facts that we remember? Yes they keep our lives in some state of fluidity, but doesn't that only add to the routine in which we should spend our every moment pushing against?

What's beautiful is that we can manipulate these memories, omit them, censor some or none at all. Don't we already do that? Don't we remember only certain things anyway? In the span of a day, two people could have shared the exact same experience but remember totally different things. We all have different sympathies, perhaps I'll remember the old woman trying to cross the street or the stray dog hiding from the sun but someone else may recall the construction worker eating his lunch or the structural integrity of a certain building. Memory isn't perfect! At our own discretion we absorb and retain certain things. If we derive meaning from experience, and we to some extent can control our experience by the choices that we make and what we can choose to recall, (guided by our sympathies and other factors) then we make our own meanings!

Its scary to think about such things. We are then left entirely responsible for our own lives. Reminds me of an Aesop fable where a wolf goes to his dog friend for some food. The dog tells him he can have as much food as he wants as long as he agrees to wear a collar and chain. The wolf runs off, explaining that it is better to starve free than be a fat slave. I love fables for their telling power, using fabrication to find the truth. In any case, although its a bit scary at first its ultimately liberating. You can see how important freedom is, how intrinsically valuable.

Besides these thoughts the day has been rather boring. I'm going to see Jon in a little while. I'm thinking about tomorrow. About Sunday. About someone.

About the many artificial boundaries we make to prevent otherness.

Happiness and Spotless Minds

So I just finished Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's a very interesting movie, I need to watch it again. It definitely deals with many of the things I consider.

I've got that damn Across the Universe soundtrack in my head, no thanks to Albert lol. Happinessssss is a warmmm gunnnn...don't you know that happinesssss is a warm gunnnn...

I'm also dripping with a bunch of other thoughts and emotions. Fears and insecurities. Oh the human condition. What a bubble of contradiction. I don't care if I'm making sense.

I feel like painting something. Like writing something. Like singing something. Like kissing someone. Like running down a hill covered in snow. Like typing till the tips of my fingers bleed. Like thinking about the shape of things.

Reminds me of a Wallace Stevens poem, the progression of thoughts. A poem titled "Gray Room". I know how furiously your heart is beating.

I'm going to start writing, I mean actually writing. With my hands. I want to do more with my hands, I know how funny that sounds. But I mean things like gardening or knitting, I dunno. Actually do something. I deal with thoughts so much. It'd be nice to deal with other things.

The best way to be a writer is to do anything but writing and then write it down no?

Lord its late. I'll simmer down and type some tomorrow. When sleep has removed the passions of thought night brings to being.

Gasping till I float above the sky

As previously suspected, I am in marvelous mood this evening. I had a very interesting day. Relaxing with the backdrop of suppressed excitement. I've got an array of inside jokes to privately laugh and think over, a collection of snap shot images to swoon over. I'm such a sucker for the ridiculous.

I'm going to finally see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. I've been dying to see it. I'll keep you updated tomorrow probably about how it was. But a movie I suggest enthusiastically is Waking Life. I won't spend time talking about it, so just watch it. It's fantastic.

Got a bunch of songs stuck in my head. Nora Jones too, among them. Justin Nozuka has an interesting sound. Paramore singing Hallelujah.

Oh well. I'm in a great mood. Good friends, good movies.
Good prospects?
Jenny is coming soon too.

Summer here I come!

Come away with me

I saw The English Patient last night. Well done, I won't discuss it much because I don't want to ruin it for anyone. Take my word for it, its long but the movie is worth the wait. Makes me feel like writing, by that I mean handwriting. Tomorrow I'll look for a nice book to write in, perhaps a pen too. I want to remember the events in my life, I also want to remember my handwriting. It'd be interesting too to see how I viewed the world years later. I think its a worthy idea.

I'm excited. I also have that Norah Jones song stuck in my head. Random ;)

The gym is evil, I'm convinced. I started going now because I don't have any excuse anymore. Before I was legitimately  busy with school, but now I have a certain amount of freedom. I need a job though. 

Well I'll update later, or tomorrow. I'll be in a better mood tomorrow, I'd wager. ;)

Oh God I'm doing this

Yes I am keeping up with my blog. Sort of. I can't believe it. I graduated. I'm overcome by a ton of different emotions. I'm also realizing that I haven't felt the full force of leaving the HC. I'm still under the drunken fantasy of continuing school in a week or two, seeing all my friends, hanging out at the lounge and having discussions. I'm waiting for Tuesday or Thursday to go on my usual Office Hour run to see Hettich or Davis. Carla would go too sometimes, we'd see each other unplanned. I'm really going to miss her. Hell I'm going to miss everyone, even the people I don't like. Even the classes I don't like or Model UN in its infinite wastefulness. At least it was still a connection to the things I care about most.

I'm still going to be there for summer I tell myself. Yes, some of the old crew will be around for another six weeks. But the overall atmosphere of the HC is gone. As cliche and overly sentimental as I sound I do feel like I will carry the spirit of the HC with me when I finally do go. That in itself is comforting. I wondered what it would be like starting college, like I wonder now where I will go and how it will be. But I was never overcome by so much grief. Its the silent backdrop of most of my outings. Don't get me wrong either, there was a few great people back in High School who I was close to, but it wasn't overall this amazing. I'm going to miss the first years too. I'm going to miss messing with them or the chess games I'd play with them. I'm proud to know that at least the ones I became close to are promising, and will continue to keep the torch aflame so to speak. I can leave and return content. I want to sit down and write something meaningful to all the faculty that have helped me along the way, the ones I am proud to call friends not simply Professors or Directors.

I don't know. That's the vastness of my feelings right now. I imagine I will be posting about thoughts like this regularly, and if not you can wager they'll be on my mind.

I'm thinking of a whole bunch of other things. Some people. You'll remember my blogs for their vagueness, I promise you. Still.

I also want to write on my own. I'm thinking of starting a novel but I think I need a small push from my professors. Maybe I'll write something and show them? Instead of being such a bitch and waiting for their blessing? Lol. I'm not sure. I want to work on poetry too. And read more, much more. I also want to watch a ton of movies. I'm excited to welcome Jenny back to Miami. She's one of the close ones from High School, and a relic of Middle School lol.

Not to mention my anxious/nervous/worried/excited feelings about the postal service. I want my decision letters already! Deny or accept me, but do it soon! I got to tell other schools what I'm going to do, and I'm driving myself crazy.

I saw American Beauty the other night. Its a must see. In fact I'll end my entry today with that. What are you doing reading this? Find that movie now.

Maiden Voyage

I'm not sure what I intend with this. Life is bringing so many changes, I guess this is a nice way to keep it all together. I've done these type of things before with minimum success because my internet doesn't always work. I am attracted to a regular purging of thoughts however, so I'm going to try doing this as often as possible. The purpose of this blog is to record my observations, investigate matters of art and philosophy, and to have fun. Lets see what happens.