Floating on a tidal wave

I neglect this far too often. I've just been so distracted with really nothing that I haven't posted. I keep a dream journal regularly now. Perhaps I can only have one love, the journal or the blog.

Nah, its not mutually exclusive. Lol. I'll probably update this all the time when I'm in Amherst. All my friends in the northeast do it so maybe its a New England thing.

I still think of her sometimes. Fondly though. Usually. Sometimes with a hint of somberness. Its strange I think how I responded so....well and healthy to how we ended. I think if it were me a year ago I would have probably...well I don't know what I would have done. But it would have crippled me surely. Its not that I'm less emotional now, on the contrary I probably revel in even more emotional and contemplative interactions. My responses have changed. And really that makes all the difference. We can't help the way we feel after all.

How is our friendship? Well its nearly non existent now. Why is that? Well I stopped calling her after I saw her trying to move on. She has every right to happiness and to be free of me for one, and I think its best right now if her and I spent time apart. I still think of her fondly. She plays a role in my dreams too, directly or indirectly. I'm realizing that now that I remember them so vividly, and I write them down. Keeping a journal actually increases memory. I remembered six or seven dreams the other morning. That's ridiculous! The most I had remembered before was about three or four. Anyways I think I'll contact her before I go if she hasn't contacted me, tell her I'd still love to be her friend. I hope we can be friends, I really do like her as a person.

Sometimes people fall for each other at the wrong time. Life is bittersweet like that. I don't hold any grudges. I just want to feel and participate in the world, be vividly part of it.

I've been listening to Coldplay for the last six days. I'm just in a Coldplay mood. X&Y is my favorite album =)

I'll try to do this more often. I really do like it.

One nail removes the other

I haven't updated in awhile. Pure laziness. I've been distracted, I've averaged two movies daily lol. I'll probably watch Dazed and Confused tonight and the Godfather.

Things didn't get better, but they are less complicated.

The lesson of the seasons is harsh, but spring comes again.

I'm still writing. I'm still part of the world.

And I'm not upset.

Things...are alright =)

Dreams

I haven't updated this in awhile, but I'm proud to say I haven't been neglecting my writing. I've been working on some pieces.

I'm in something. Something I can't quite classify. I know I keep asserting that classification is overrated, that it only serves to separate us...why do I long for it then?

My desires are simple and long, but their fulfillment is complicated.

Whatever peace I have found during the day in the form of distractions is defeated when I sleep, I dream of her constantly. I must be crazy, and I've already admitted to it. I think because I went into this so open and natural with her, which is unprecedented, my dreams no longer wrap themselves in riddle but blatantly open myself to her. I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me feels strange, because its never happened. Part of me is happy. But another part of me shows that perhaps there is no escape, as if my dreams are a black hole. Can I compress myself to the size of a single atom? Won't that crush me? I'm thinking too deeply in metaphors. Overall I am amused by her appearance in dreams.

I've been trying to lucid dream lately. But when I become aware that its a dream, I don't try and manipulate it if she is there. If I lose control then she'll vanish. And in the dream world, she feels so real. I couldn't bare even a false disappearance. But overall I've been at it lately. Remembering dreams, I want to start a dream journal too. I had one before but I stopped. Dreams have always maintained my interest, ever since childhood.

I may update less frequently because of my writing project. But its always nice after writing some to unwind and just write an entry. So maybe Ill update more often? We'll see.

Rediscovery

I'm not going to write a long entry right now, I want to sit with this and just absorb it. I think I'll write something tonight.

We spoke today. All the gloom of previous entries now seem like a vague memory. Not to say that things have become..well romantically progressive? What does that even mean anyways? I hate assigning all this a name. All I know is that its just so lovely to be around her, and knowing that we can continue to simply be..you know? I almost said be ourselves, but I don't know what that means either lol. We just are. And I'm ridiculously happy about that.

She is a revolution of the mind, a rediscovery. I feel like the stupor I've been in has evaporated. I'm listening to old songs and they've recovered their magic.

Stairs

Well things are getting better. I guess the benefit of tumbling down the stairs comes when you finally hit the floor, shake off the sense of shock, and begin the work of ascending again.

Its tough, but all one can do is look up.

I saw Waking Life again today. It got bumped up to basically my favorite movie. So much on my mind.

But I'm well. I'm better than I've been in days. There is something to be said of that. =)

Caught

I just feel like I'm caught between so many things. I feel like being here at school, and leaving. I feel like sleeping, but I want to stay awake. I'm hungry but I don't feel much like eating. I'm happy to go, and I'm devastated. The only non polar desire I have is to see her.

I've already been rained on twice today. Normally I'd enjoy the feeling of light rain pouring. I feel sort of mocked now, partly filled with gloom. Does it rain on her too?

And time. I know I've discussed it before. But time. I've never felt the passing of time so slowly, as if every second realized it was transitory and decided to fully express itself.

Reminds me of a Linda Pastan poem, how I've been feeling lately. I read it when I was happy and felt this deep sense of grief. Its almost laughable that it captures how I feel now.

Letter


It is December in the garden,
an early winter here, with snow
already hiding my worst offenses –
the places I disturbed your moss
with my heavy boots; the corner
where I planted in too deep a hole
the now stricken hawthorne: crystals
hanging from its icy branches
are the only flowers it will know.

When did solitude become
mere loneliness and the sounds
of birds at the feeder seem
not like a calibrated music
but the discordant dialects
of strangers simply flying through?
I have tried to construct a life
alone here – coffee at dawn; a jog
through the chilling air

counting my heartbeats,
as if the doctor were my only muse;
books and bread and firewood –
those usual stepping-stones from month
to freezing month. But the constricted light,
the year closing down on itself with all
the vacancies of January ahead, leave me
unreconciled even to beauty.
When will you be coming back?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws...

We spoke briefly over chat. Very formal. Very cut. Measured and delivered like one would carry a spoon of sugar to a cup of bitter tea.

She signed off abruptly too. I know she doesn't have Internet herself so she was probably at the library, she is at school today after all. I'm not sure if signing off abruptly was intentional, it could have been the school, maybe she had to go, or wanted to. I'm typically left with more questions than answers.

Sleep was interrupted, I kept waking up and I'm not sure why. The few intervals of sleep were not bad though. I have the benefit of forgetting my dream last night, although I do remember this song called "I'll be" by Edwin McCain playing.

The day has been too short I suppose to paint. Though I think I have had enough of it. Time seems more of a chore lately, like walking through a wall of wind. The irony is I'm not moving much.

Now I know I am crazy. She just signed back on, telling me the campus Internet was acting up. She had to leave though because class was starting. I know her schedule fairly well, Monday and Wednesdays are hectic. (I had actually intended on surprising her by showing up for lunch or something but time would not allow it.) Either way, she said talk to you soon.

I am crazy! Talk to me soon?! That beats the hell out of NTTYA (Never Talk To You Again) lol, oh lord. Even if its this tea spoon-sugar-tea talk, its something! Its not an attempt to shut me out of her life!

Still. I won't get too excited either. Its also very possible that she has completely digested me out of her system. Perhaps I am the only fool who dwells on things. Perhaps she has dropped me like a pair of undergarments before showering, to wash herself of me with new experiences. I don't know.

Not only am I crazy, but I'm simple. Something like this will delight me all day. I know something now. Either she wants to at least continue as a friend, or she is still thinking. Either way, its not removing me from her life. I don't know what that implies. But at the state I have been the last few days, this is definitely an upward motion.

I feel a little lighter. I think I'll eat something today. See some friends. Play scrabble. I dunno. I do feel a little animated.

Lets see if this feeling lasts. This pair of jeans are suddenly not so stiff.