Its all been said before

If this blog proves anything to me, is that I am horribly absent minded and can't commit to anything. Well anything like this anyways. That and my internet is never constant.

Well I see the last time I really updated this thing was essentially before I started Amherst. Maybe for my next year, I can actually blog. See how I like it. I feel like I would, and no one really reads this anyways.

To contain a whole year. If Virginia Woolf teaches us anything, its that not even a day can fit inside a novel. How can I even begin to talk about the year? I honestly feel that nothing can be said. Nothing complete I mean. I did what I set out to do a year ago- try my best to live honestly in my reaching for a genuine and experienced life. I have met new people, some who have changed me, some who have broken my heart.. a beautiful bittersweetness that I savor. I won an important award in my school, (The MacArthur-Leithauser Travel Award) which gave me the opportunity to travel to a country of my choosing for self-directed work on my poetry. It was another expansive experience in my life. I feel that my poetry has been changing and improving and growing, more than ever. I was so scared a year ago that I would plateau and just stop growing. Its a silly fear, admittedly, but it was there.

I'm about ten days away from returning to potentially my last full year at Amherst if I don't extend. I don't think that particularly makes this year more intense, but many other factors make it a year to be excited and nervous about. I want to write a creative thesis, and hopefully if I work hard it can happen. Some people are graduating, (some even as soon as after this semester) who I am going to miss I know. And not in some passive way. I already have a close friend who I won't see. What will I do without her I wonder.

Besides actual specific reasons why this year is so exciting, I feel like I now know more than every before that every year, every moment...is the most exciting to be alive. So much is happening in the world, within ourselves...I think a lack of wonder of it all is only due to ignorance, probably due to the routine practice of "growing up". The Romantics must be turning over in their graves-Keats did not die young for this. To recover childhood wonder after the fall from innocence. To return to our beginnings, and know them for the first time. That's gotta be worth something.

Well we'll see how keeping this up works. I'll try as often as possible, once a week at least?

Bundle of nerves

So I haven't updated in a while. I plan to update this more when I am in Amherst, which by the way will be Sunday. I leave Friday to Boston and then soon enough I'll be there at my new school.

I've been hit the last week or so with all these goodbyes. Its heavy. I'm going to miss everyone so much. Today I said goodbye to the people at the hc.

I'm excited, but I'm also nervous. I kind of want to be there already, settled in. I hate moving. I also want to know about my roommate situation.

I heard great news from Jenny. Tomorrow will confirm it.

I'm sort of too heavy right now to keep typing. I'm also a bit sleepy. I'll update later.

My life according to Coldplay

Here is something fun to do. Pick a musical artist, (not mine) and answer these questions with song titles.

Artist(s):
Coldplay

Are you male or female?
X&Y (lol)

Describe Yourself:
Easy to Please

How do you feel:
A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Describe where you currently live:
In My Place

What is one wish you could make if you had a genie:
Sparks

Biggest turn off:
Clocks (lol)

What is your type:
Life in Technicolor

Your best friends are:
Postcards from Far Away

What is life to you:
Death will not conquer us

Your fear:
We Never Change (Swallowed in the Sea lol)

What is the best advice you have to give:
Don't Panic

How I would like to die:
Now my feet won't touch the ground

My Motto:
Everything's not lost

I'm trapped in this body and can't get out

So I've fixed my sleep schedule. I now wake up at the latest 7:30 AM. Today I woke up at 6:00 AM! I couldn't believe it. I've been going to sleep at 10:00 AM lately. Either way, before I was a night dweller and now I'm a morning dweller. You can't escape something.

How'd I do it, one might guess. Well I didn't sleep at all on Sunday. But that comes at a price too, every day I nap about two hours, well I did on Tuesday and today at any rate. I figure if I nap two hours every day I can make up for that sleep lost. Its working well so far.

And my dreams during those naps have been so... vivid. Two of them were lucid. One I was looking into a mirror, and I saw myself fragmented and strange. I read online, one way of becoming lucid is looking into a mirror. Often in the dream world, mirrors show strange things. Supposedly its risky too, because what you see can scare you into a nightmare. I wasn't scared I realize. for some reason. The oddest things happen in dreams and usually I am just really interested. I felt looking into the mirror that I was waking, because when I realized it was a dream it started to fall apart. It was so.. indescribable to be in that moment in between dreams and waking. I've never become lucid in that matter. Today I became lucid breathing through my nose while pinched. I've done it once before, but this time I tried flying. My body began to float in the air and the more I tried to rise higher in the room, the heavier I felt. I began to wake again until finally I woke. I have been remembering my dreams more often since the dream journal, which I've gotten lazy about lately, but I was starting to lose faith about becoming lucid again after I had a dream that tried to drown me awake. Its refreshing to be lucid again, I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Going away is approaching soon too. I've been thinking about it.

Dark

My days have been dark. In a literal sense. I stay up all night. I used to do this last summer. But I think I'm just being ridiculous now. Starting Monday the latest, I am waking up at a decent hour. I'll decide what that hour will be as the days progress. Maybe 10.

The again maybe I'll be up earlier than that. I do want to start writing on some schedule, it will help to get work done and it would be beneficial overall to at least section off at least two hours a day for writing.

Well I feel like I have a lot more to say without the volition to type it. I'll get back to this later.

Enchanted

http://puddlegum.net/radiohead-1010101010/

For some reference to what I am talking about, read that article.

Oh God. I am listening to this playlist. Its totally amazing. I have not felt this charmed by music in a long while. Radiohead is indescribable. If you haven't heard their music, do it right now.

My two favorite albums are OK Computer and In Rainbows, who knew they were a pair? Its like they had a kid. I don't know what to call this, someone called it In Computer-OK Rainbows. That sounds good to me.

I feel if I say anything else it will diminish the beauty here. I advise everyone to make the playlist as the website explains, with ten second crossfades between songs. Ask me how to do this if you can't figure it out, and if you don't have those two albums, d/l it or ask me. =)

Nerve

So I couldn't get adequate rest last night. I was reading Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez when a particular line reminded me of this interview of Hubert Selby Jr. about Requiem for a Dream. I remembered that Jenny had bought the movie for me so I looked for it, found it, went to the special features, and found that what I was looking for was in the director's cut.

No problem right? We live in the age of the internet. Everything is on this thing.

I was looking for it for at least a half hour. Nothing. I couldn't find it anywhere. It still bugs me, I really wanted to hear him say this particular opening line when the interviewer asked him a question. I remember it impacted me.

It strange what things impact us. Something like that suddenly flooded my memory while reading, and all things considered the two things are unrelated.

I had to wake up early too. I'm probably not going to sleep very late tonight, I slept so poorly last night.

I've been reading more poetry lately. I'm in a writing mood too. I want to work on a few things and submit them to this magazine. It has to be previously unpublished, so I'll submit either new work or start something new. Imagine if I get published. I think I'll just die. I'm not counting on it, and not because I think little of my abilities, (I'm actually quite proud of my level of work lately, and my growth over the years) but I still have much to learn and I know how these things work. I'm just excited to have the nerve of even considering such a thing. =)